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  • Debbie Murphy

Fears & Flashbacks

It’s nearly 6 months on now and to those who don’t know me or haven’t heard what happened, you wouldn’t be able to tell there had been anything wrong. Physically I look no different, the scars are well hidden. I am however suffering with back pain which conversely is on the opposite side to that where the kidney was removed. I’ll write about this in more detail once I return to where I left off as it became evident about a month after surgery. Since then I’ve had various tests all of which are inconclusive and suggest either surgery damage (the op would’ve meant a lot of twisting me about) or I’ve compensated for the pain on the left by walking incorrectly. Either way on the outside all looks ok, I’m a bit slower getting around but unless I told you I’d had kidney cancer you’d never know. Because I was unable to do most of what I did normally, including running my business I have taken time out to recover. Now I am starting to notice that it’s becoming more difficult to return to that normality, not because of physical restraints but there’s an underlying fear that I can’t explain. Having told those that know me personally and people I work with I obviously get a lot of genuine concern and kind comments. I’ve had visits, flowers, cards and phonecalls all of which have been lovely but now when the ‘cancer’ is mentioned I almost freeze. For this reason I have been very guarded and even a little reclusive. I don’t know whether it’s the pain in my back or the pain from the wound which is obviously still repairing but there are times when I worry about the cause. The obvious question and the one I don’t say out loud is, ‘has it gone somewhere else’? Outwardly I am quite reasonable and will say all the test are inconclusive and it must be my body repairing itself but inside, I admit, I do have concerns. Maybe it’s my hurry to get back to normal that makes it hard to accept I have to deal with further pain or it could be my reluctance to talk about what’s happened, I don’t know. Either way the fear of facing up to cancer and the difficulty I’m currently having looking back at my experience are hard to come to terms with. I have looked forward to ‘getting back to normal’ for nearly 6 months. Now I may have to face the fact that ‘normal’ will just be a little bit different from now on.

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